Specs

I have just been to the opticians to try contact lenses for the third time.... I was unsuccessful as always. I seem to have passive compulsions to blink everytime I feel the lens brush my eye; I'm terrified of it for some reason. I'm okay with putting like, my own finger in my eye y'know like if you get an eyelash? But I cannot cope with foreign objects touching my eye and I know it's not just reflexive because I would be able to hold open my eye but I can't without my fingers relaxing so therefore it must have psychological explanations as well but I have idea how I'm going to deal with that... apart from hypnosis... which is way too expensive. I went proper hysterical after I left the opticians and had a panic attack in the M&S car park. I was in floods of tears when I got home and now I feel sooo weak and hopeless. My mum comforted me for a while; I think she was a little angry. Not with me, no... with the fact that I have to taint my features with a pair of specs. I want to die. I feel so depressed at the moment.